8 Steps to a More Connected Relationship with Your Horse

Horses are one of the most reliable, loyal, and trustworthy animals to exist.
They have been used as working animals for thousands of years. Their willingness and spirit make them the perfect partner for riding and driving sports.
The mysterious draw to connection with horses often begins in childhood. It’s likely you were the horse-crazy kid in your family. Our intuition is much stronger as kids, and we easily recognize the power horses have.
In order to create a more connected relationship with your horse, you must first understand how they think and what drives them. Whether wild or domesticated, horses have basic physical, emotional, and spiritual needs.
If you can be part of providing each of those, your connection to your horse will deepen. Here are 8 steps to developing more connection with your horse.
1. Get control of your own emotions and think slowly
Our relationship with our horse starts with us. That shouldn’t come as a surprise, but often the blame is put on the horse.
She’s a bitchy mare or he’s just being ornery.
When you ask your horse to do something, do you listen for a reply? Or do you expect something instantly and then react if you don’t get it?
I imagine if someone blew into your home when you were taking a nap and started demanding things of you, you might not respond cheerfully without delay!
Too often we approach our horse with our own needs and wanting things done on our time. It makes sense: life is busy!
Going to the barn is just one more thing on our to do list, and there’s a lot of pressure for it to make us feel a certain way. We arrive stressed by work and traffic and expect our horse to not only take on our emotional baggage but also to give us a great ride so we can finally have something good happen in our day.
That’s a lot of pressure for one horse!
Luckily, as humans, we can get control of our emotions and set the tone.
- Instead of blowing into the barn in a ball of excited energy, take a few minutes to simply breathe and be aware of what’s going on in your mind.
- Leave the nonsense of the day behind, knowing you can pick it back up later if needed. Connect to your feelings and where you feel them in your body.
- Breathe into any place that feels stuck, and let it go as you breathe out. Imagine the wheels of your mind are slowing down, and your extra thoughts are diminishing for now. Be grateful you get to walk in the barn and see your horse.
- Smile. And then walk in. 2 minutes of breathing and recentering your emotions before approaching your horse will make an incredible difference and set the tone for a positive interaction.

2. Know your horse’s needs
In the wild, horse’s needs are basic: food, water, shelter, movement, community, security. They move from place to place based on the needs of the group.
Individuals are able to communicate with each other in myriad ways, some subtle like the flick of an ear, and others more boldly like the advances of a stallion. If a wild horse feels threatened, it moves away or turns to fight. If its watering hole dries up, it goes somewhere else to find it. If they aren’t getting the nutrition they need, the herd seeks it out.
Would you be surprised to hear that a domestic horse’s needs aren’t much different?
We’ve complicated it, sure, with supplements and shoes and stalls, but boiled down it’s still the same. Food, water, shelter, movement, community, security.
Horses are inherently social animals. They need to feel they are safe with whoever is in their herd, their social circle, including their human partner. They need to feel they are important and heard.
They also need a sense of space around them. A horse needs to be able to turn their heads, move their necks, and feel they have breathing room.
Horses with behavior issues like weaving and cribbing are not having at least one of their needs met. If you’re not aware of these needs, you could find yourself constantly frustrated, which can make your horse feel unsafe.
Understanding your horse’s needs can help you build trust with each other. If your horse is in danger, they need to feel they can protect themselves.
If the human partnership is unsafe, they need to feel they can escape. Knowing these needs, beyond food and water, will help you understand your horse’s side of the story and be able to keep your emotions in check.
3. Demonstrate understanding
Once you know what your horse needs, try to provide a piece of each of them. Isn’t it nice when someone shows they understand what you need without you asking?
Mindfully provide those things for your horse, to demonstrate to them that you get it.
Top off their water bucket. Feed them their dinner hay when it comes time. Make sure they have a clean stall to sleep in. These physical needs are relatively easy to provide.
What’s harder for most people is to understand a horse’s emotional and spiritual needs. Horses need us to have more empathy than we think.
Horses can look at one another and understand what’s being communicated. “You’re in my space.” “Let’s play.” “What the heck is that, let’s get out of here!” It doesn’t take much to get fellow horses to move.
They also have a huge energy bubble and will react when negative energy comes into it. Horses are very sensitive to human body language. They can read your tone of voice and body language as well as you can read theirs. If you’re in a physical space your horse doesn’t feel comfortable in, they will feel unsafe.
When you’re interacting with your horse and miss their subtle cues, they’re going to escalate, just like we do as humans. If we’re talking to someone and they’re missing the point, we might get louder about it. Disagreements turn into heated arguments when someone feels misunderstood or ignored.
We understand when people lash out when they’re not able to regulate their emotions, so why don’t we see that in our horses?
Like a parent responding patiently to a child, you must show your horse you understand their needs. Listen to what your horse has to say, and your relationship will thrive.

4. Communicate kindly and clearly
Horses have a very deep need to connect. They need to feel safe and important. Once they feel safe, they will feel a deep desire to communicate.
First, remember your slow thinking, and take control of your emotions. It might feel good to us to show how excited we are to see our horse, especially if it has been a while, but elevated excitement to a horse usually means there’s a threat!
You can be happy and excited without high energy and a raised voice. Your goal is to make your horse feel safe to connect with you. Have a mindset of gratitude and peace, speak gently and positively. and see how quickly your connection grows!
If you’re speaking to your horse and they aren’t responding, it could be because they simply aren’t listening. As you begin to change how you interact with your horse, it may take time for them to realize there’s been a shift.
They may have put up walls to protect themselves. When communicating with your horse, use a calm tone of voice, be clear with your words, and be gentle with your gestures.
Stay kind to yourself as you’re learning to communicate differently. It’s easy to feel like we’ve somehow failed our horse, even when that isn’t true.
When the energy feels like it’s escalating or you find yourself using negative words, you can always immediately shift your energy, calm your thoughts, smile, and speak kindly. The more you practice that shift, the easier it will come, and the longer it will last.
5. Have a child-like wonder
Think back to the feelings you had when you saw a horse as a child. It didn’t matter if it was perfectly groomed or if it had just won a championship. You looked into those deep eyes and were instantly connected. The wildness of the mane combined with the peaceful gaze was the most beautiful thing you’d ever seen.
As we grow into adulthood, we get jaded and lose that sense of wonder. We start to assign value to things like color and breed and presentation, as though a horse’s power is somehow diminished by mere dust.
We’re taught what’s better and best, and even to judge others based on their ownership of the wrong horse. As a kid in the car, I guarantee that I didn’t care about breed or status. I just wanted to pet that horse.
Ever know a horse that completely changes when it’s being handled by a kid? They go from being fired up and snorty to walking calmly with their head lowered. They spook at a puddle with their adult owner but stand firm when a flock of birds is flushed out next to the arena.
Horses have a connection with children that is almost inexplicable. As adults, we can try to recapture that youthful wonder to reset the connection with our horse.
Next time you visit your horse, look at it with fresh young eyes. Stop and take in the beauty and energy, seeing your horse as you would if you were a kid again.
6. Be consistent
As with any relationship, the more time you spend with your horse, the more likely you will be connected with them on an emotional level. The more you are willing to put in, the more you will get out. You can’t force a connection, but you can work towards creating a more connected relationship with your horse.
Consistency doesn’t have to mean hours every day. It doesn’t matter if you can only get to the barn once a week, or once a month. Make sure you walk in as the same human every single time. Let your horse develop a trust that they truly know you, and know what to expect when you are in their space.
When you are with your horse, accept where they are at, right now, today.
It might be two steps back from where you were last time.
That’s a totally natural part of two hearts learning to communicate! Don’t take it personally, and don’t get frustrated. Act like you have all the time in the world, and you will have all the time in the world. Rush, and things will go badly quickly.

7. Be willing to step out of your comfort zone
When you step out of your comfort zone, you are taking a risk. You are leaving your usual behavior and ways of being behind. You are putting yourself out there and exposing yourself to the possibility of judgment.
It takes courage to start to do things in a new way, especially when no one else around you does!
However, if you’ve found yourself longing for more connection with your horse, it means what you’re doing isn’t working. Remember, the definition of insanity is doing something the same way over and over and expecting different results. It’s not insane to try something new; it’s insane not to!
When you step out of your comfort zone, don’t let fear take over. Be confident that what you’re doing will improve the relationship with your horse. Find like-minded people who are also working to have better connection with their horse and learn new ways. Pretty soon you’ll wonder why you didn’t do things differently sooner!
8. Bring joy
When it comes to having a more connected relationship with your horse, it helps to remember that you are the one who is in control.
Horses will react and respond based on their needs and level of trust. By working to control your own thoughts and emotions, communicating in a kind and thoughtful manner, and stepping out of your comfort zone, you’ll show your horse that you can be trusted.
As you continue to show up in your horse’s space as the same trustworthy individual you were last time, your connection with your horse will improve. Strive to bring an attitude of peace with you into the barn, and leave today’s stress and worries in the car.
Enter your horse’s space with the wonder of a child, smiling, and grateful to be there.
